puzzle

If I am the centre of my life puzzle with all of the characters in my life fitting in perfectly around me, one of three things happen if one piece of the puzzle, one person, is removed.
1. All of the remaining pieces must adjust their shapes and sizes to fit together once again.
2. I must find a replacement for that character.
3. I must transform myself to accommodate the lost puzzle piece.

Four years ago, while my husband and I were living in Mexico, my oldest sibling, Anne, had a brain aneurism and passed away. The flight home was the most emotionally explosive 24 hours in my life.

As we flew north I lay with my head on my husbands lap sobbing uncontrollably. When we finally landed in Vancouver, and everyone on the plane stood up to organise themselves, the folks behind us began some playful banter clearly reflecting the joy of their holiday. As I stood up, one of them asked if we'd had a good vacation. I turned in absolute anguish and wailed, "My big sister just died!"

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

In that moment I wouldn't have been surprised if the oxygen masks had fallen down. It felt as though the air was sucked out of the cabin and everyone got very still and silent. Shocked faces stared back at me as I attempted to share the full measure of my grief. It was simply inconceivable that my big sister was gone.

In retrospect, I believe the heart of my grief may have been related to my own sense of self and how, in loosing Anne, I was also loosing an aspect of my own identity.. a beautiful part of me of which I had always been proud. Anne's little sister.

As the youngest in my birth family, every moment of my life, four of my most cherished, influential humans reinforced my identity as a little sister. Without my delight and honour with being Anne's little sister, who was I? The process of transforming my sense of self to hold my puzzle pieces together was forced to begin.