Sunday 31 May 2015

quiet

The impulse to console someone who's grieving, or facing death themselves, is overwhelming. I would love to understand what it is that leads me to panic during the silent moments created by my tongue tied reaction to these situations. Could it be my fear of saying the wrong thing? If hearts are tender and emotions are raw, the stakes are so much higher than normal conversational circumstances. Unfortunately, the fear that I will never find the right words of comfort and that I will inevitably say the wrong thing, doesn't seem to stop me from filling the quiet space with useless chatter.

I was sitting with a person in palliative care one day and I noticed a familiar and uncomfortable feeling slowly building; the chaotic internal noise of searching for the right thing to say. As I was mentally shuffling through my options, another person entered the room. They sat. I waited. Nothing. More silence. And then.. I was surprised to find the silence immensely consoling. It was as though the room was being infused with a fog of 'everything is going to be okay'.

Perhaps the increased silence overcame the need for chatter. The greater energy won out? That afternoon I learned that it was just fine to not fill in the silent gap, especially if what you're about to say may not be helpful. My curiosity has led me to notice my response to silence and I've discovered that it frequently freaks me out! I have also found that a deep inhale will often help relax me and create more space for the silence I may recognize as valuable.

Saturday 30 May 2015

cats

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
A remarkable story emerged in the July 2007 edition of the New England Journal of Medicine regarding a cat who would 'predict' the impending death of patients in a nursing home a few hours before they died. The adopted cat, Oscar, at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, R.I., was known for at least 25 successful predictions, in which patients died hours after the cat sat down on their beds. Oscar regularly wandered around the nursing home then purred while sitting with the dying patient, leaving soon after the passing. One gift of Oscar's uncanny ability was the nursing home's opportunity to alert families whenever the cat took up his post.

Some may argue that it most likely has to do with a specific odour produced by the dying patients. Others may rest in their belief that animals, cats specifically, have a sixth sense when it comes to other creatures who may need healing comfort. Either way, Oscar and many other family felines, have brought an undeniable sense of peace and harmony to many folks facing the final transition from this life.






Friday 29 May 2015

children

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel


Hungarian psychologist, Maria Nagy, interviewed nearly 400 children living in Budapest at a time when death was everywhere.. just after World War II, with questions like - What is death? Through Dr Nagy, and many other scientists research studies, children's concept of death and dying have been categorized into three specific benchmarks of understanding.





#1. Irreversibility:
Once a person is dead, it can never again be alive. Children under three years old aren't able to understand this idea. In one study scientists found that ten percent of 3 year olds understood irreversibility, compared with 58 percent of four year olds.

#2. Non-functionality:
Between the ages of five and seven children begin to grasp the reality that a dead person can no longer do things that a living person can do. Researchers discovered this with questions like - Can a dead person feel? - If someone died, could he still eat? - Can he move? - Can he dream?

#3. Universality:
Many children believe that there are certain groups of people who are protected from death, like teachers, parents, and themselves. As Dr. Nagy writes "Without a doubt, most children understand that some people die before they understand that they themselves will die, and even children who understand that they will one day perish have a tendency to say that their death will occur only in the remote future when they get old."

Clearly, understanding of our children's inability to fully comprehend death is critically important for us to effectively shepherd our young through the turbulent, but inevitable journey of grief.


Wednesday 27 May 2015

love

Reading accounts of NDE's (near-death experiences), you'll find that often people are greeted by a deceased relative and told that it's not their time to die. You'll also read stories of people who are welcomed by pets, family, and friends on the other side. Dr. Eben Alexander, a renowned Neurosurgeon, wrote of his NDE in the New York Times Bestseller, Proof of Heaven.

A book review on Amazon describes the author's transformation of belief:

"Alexander's story is not a fantasy. Before he underwent his journey, he could not reconcile his knowledge of neuroscience with any belief in heaven, God, or the soul. Today Alexander is a doctor who believes that true health can be achieved only when we realize that God and the soul are real and that death is not the end of personal existence but only a transition."

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

The overwhelming commonality of every NDE I have reviewed is the impression that love is the connecting force between our living existence and the 'other side'. Love never dies.

Tuesday 26 May 2015

presence

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
I'm wondering if one of the major reasons our society resists the inevitable conversation about death isn't simply because we don't know what to say. Not only are we be dealing with our own state of anxiety, but we will also be concerned for our loved one's tender feelings. Fear of saying the wrong thing may leave you or your loved one lost for words.. and that's okay. Perhaps the greatest gift you can give is the gift of your presence. Simple activities like watching a movie, or playing cards can feel reassuring in the company of a loved one.

My father always said, "Silence is golden". I believe this expression fits perfectly when applied to living with dying. Sometimes finding the appropriate words just complicate the way of compassionate support. Your simple presence will say to your friend.. I am willing to walk this most difficult path with you, whatever may come.



Monday 25 May 2015

seasons


Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

With the burgeoning of spring occurring all over our hemisphere the quiet sanctuary of Martha and Barry's room feels suspended in time.

There will never be a perfect time to leave this good earth. Every season has it's own beauty, hope and cherished memories.

touch

Virginia Satir, one of the key family therapists of our time, said that we need to get four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth. I wonder how many hugs a day would be recommended for someone who's done their growing, maintaining, and surviving and are now facing the winding down stage of life.

I believe that touch in and of itself has great value to all of creation.. comforting and life affirming to giver and receiver alike. When my friend was nearing the end of her life I would walk up to the hospital everyday with my massage oil and touch her hands and feet. I wouldn't call it a massage exactly, she wasn't quite comfortable with any real pressure on her body at that point. No, it was simply touch.. gentle and warm.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
We would talk about art and nature, and occasionally we would sit in silence, feeling the smooth movement of my hands gliding over her skin, inhaling the soothing aroma of the oil. Nearing the very end of her life, as her legs and feet filled with fluids, the soft touch helped to relieve the uncomfortable pressure building in her fragile tissue.

There was no growing, maintaining or surviving going on, merely living compassionately with dying.

Sunday 24 May 2015

heaven

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
There are an endless number of fables, myths, and lore about heaven. Throughout history the concept of heaven has been used to inspire, control, and fear. FEAR, you say?

Yes, for without the promise of heaven there would be no hell. What do you believe about the classic concept of heaven and hell?

Saturday 23 May 2015

inner circle

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

I have a friend living only a few blocks from my home who is in the final stage of her life. She is well known in our small community for her wit, person style, and unique creativity. I feel a genuine fondness for her, even though I wouldn't be categorized as a member of her inner circle of friends. A few weeks ago, when her ill health made it more comfortable for her to stay home, I had an opportunity to sit with her for a few moments. She had contacted me via Facebook requesting that I let her kids see a portrait I'd painted of her a few years ago. It was a painting technique with which I was experimenting and had ultimately discarded the portrait.

Wanting to grant her wish, I spent the next afternoon creating a pencil portrait from an old photo I'd taken of her several years ago. When I delivered the gift, I was invited to sit for a quiet visit with her and her step daughter. I cherish those 15 minutes more than I can say. It was such a rich experience to share the intimacy of her space and have the time to really talk to her, a person with whom I feel a deep affection and admiration.

When I spoke to one of her closest friends a week or so later, I heard that her family was finding the number of visitors a bit overwhelming. Of course she loved seeing everyone, and appreciated the kindnesses, but she was easily tired and continually interrupted during her much needed naps.

The scrambling our society exhibits in a mad dash to connect and express love to one who is leaving this life, would not be necessary if our conversations about life and death occurred throughout the years of our lifetime.. rather than within the last few weeks of life.


Wednesday 20 May 2015

proof


With the birth of quantum physics, we now know that nothing is solid and everything is energy. How might that effect how one feels about death.. the ultimate separation from the physical. After a lifetime of identifying with ones body, and possibly even more to our loved ones physical selves, how can a fearless attitude toward death occur?

That is the thought that preoccupied me during a recent Saturday morning group meditation. As I sat comfortably in my friends beautifully appointed living room, completing the circle of dedicated women willing to pursue a practice together, I thought to myself.. here we are striving to leave our bodies, when millions of others are screaming to stay in theirs.

If, in fact, we believe that we are not our bodies, as quantum physics proves, perhaps meditation, especially guided meditation, could function as training wheels for all of humanity to prepare for the final separation from the physical world. Dipping our toes in the water before the big dive, so to speak.


Tuesday 19 May 2015

burden of gratitude

Perhaps the greatest hurdle in receiving compassionate care is the life long, deeply imbedded belief.. I am not worthy.

June Callwood writes in her book, Twelve Weeks In Spring, 

Margaret's pride almost certainly would have made it impossible for her to accept our help for very long and would have seriously inhibited our efforts to care for her as she required. Knowing how flustered Margaret became whenever someone did her a kindness, I had been greatly concerned about the burden of gratitude that we were placing on her, but had failed to address it. Instead, Grace Ross with her candour and wisdom dealt with it in a way that enabled Margaret to preserve her dignity and yet accept her dependence on our help.
"Margaret," Grace said, "the biggest gift you can make us is to allow us to give to you."

Monday 18 May 2015

stories

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel















Perhaps more important than living a full life, is the knowledge that the life you have lived has been witnessed. Your victories and trials have been heard, shared and will be remembered.

Memories unwind in the company of good friends; it's never too late to share your story.

what?

For a few days now, I don't really want to look to see how many, I have struggled to write or sketch. The passion I feel for this project, to increase the awareness around our societies relationship with death and dying, is sometimes suffocating. Whatever I begin to write or sketch doesn't feel important enough to finish. What does it matter? People are dying, alone, afraid and shamed into isolation, and I am drawing pictures and sharing stories about having your nails painted. What?

Thursday 14 May 2015

precious time

I left the ranch, and Martha and Barry, this afternoon. Each time I visit, my long drive home is filled with echo's of images, and conversations - faces and voices, and fear that I may not be able to fully capture and express the tenderness and importance of my experience with this family at this most precious time.
But then, I ask myself, why would one moment hold more importance than another, and if we knew this was our last moment in this life, would we live it differently? We must admit that, ultimately we will never know which moment will be our last. So, with our society's current obsession with being in the moment, in the 'now', why is it we turn away from the moments that are leading us, with great intimacy, to our death?

Having said that, I believe that it is the subtle importance of each moment in life that leads us to live our most inspired life and enlightened death.

Wednesday 13 May 2015

wine

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
During our traditional 4:00 wine and cheese, our conversation slips between the past and the present. Memories arrive with such clarity it's sometimes difficult to follow the streaming discussions. One would think that the details of the story being told would innately reveal the timeline.

Barry - I took a road that I thought I knew.. but I didn't.. got stuck in a big mud puddle.. had to drive out of the ruts and into the field, and we made it..

Me - was this back when you had the kids with you..

Barry - no, that was this spring.. a few weeks ago.





Tuesday 12 May 2015

perspectives

Visiting with Barry and Martha for a couple of days, after two and a half weeks away, I notice the adjustments which have been made. The queen sized bed has been replaced with two hospital beds - Barry's walker can now support his oxygen tank - Martha's medication has progressed to the convenience of a extended release morphine. There are two ways of viewing these changes: negatively or positively.

Negative - Martha's cancer is growing aggressively and her pain has increased. Martha's dying.
Positive - Martha is now more comfortable and not at risk of chasing pain relief. Martha's living.

Negative - Barry is quickly becoming progressively weaker. Barry's dying.
Positive - Barry has additional support which encourages his mobility. Barry's living.

One's negative/positive perspective may be the result of a simple belief; death is the end of life - or - death is part of life.



Monday 11 May 2015

at the ready

Support comes in all shapes and sizes.. and species. Martha and Barry have the incredible blessing of, not only sharing in the steps of these final stages of life, they are living out those final weeks, days, and moments on their daughter's ranch. Surrounding the home are the chickens, horses, donkey and llama living their peaceful existence without the worry of time or attachment. The many acres of open prairie envelopes this quiet haven; the many concerns of the greater world sink into the distant clouds.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
The room Martha and Barry spend most of their time now, has become the centre of everyones focus. The questions come in and out all day: glass of water, dad? - morning pills, mom? - time for oxygen, dad? - are you warm enough, mom? While, on the sidelines, there awaits a gentle presence, ever at the ready to support.


Sunday 10 May 2015

many steps

The very moment after my mom passed away, my sister, Vicki and I had two starkly different reactions. While Vicki was busy gathering up mom's things and organizing for our drive home, I was transfixed by my love for mom's body. Understandably, Vicki based her relationship with her mother on mom's spirit, the very essence of who she was, I, on the other hand, was also attached to mom's physical self.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

When we both experienced her beautiful soul leave her still body, Vicki was ready to go. Unfortunately, this caused some distress for me. I wanted to stay and take care of the body for which I felt such a connection and appreciation.

It would have been immensely helpful if we'd had a conversation before that moment regarding our feelings, so we could understand and compensate for each of our needs. As it was, I touched her hair, caressed her foot, and followed with confused obedience, while Vicki attempted to patiently contend with my unexplained lagging.

When I launched this project, Vicki and I discussed that moment. Although it would have been more pleasant at the time to be there for each other - on the same page, the contrast in our experience taught me a valuable lesson. I can now lean into the fact that we are not our bodies; as my mother left her body, so did the importance of that body. The larger aspect of why I felt the need to honour her body was because I was still attached to her being in it.

Saturday 9 May 2015

nails

It is said that most women dress for other women's approval. Reviewing the various reasons why women wear makeup, there emerges a different story. The universal, number one reason seems to be - it's fun! Years ago I ran an international advertising agency out of Vancouver, B.C.. One morning I entered the boardroom for our routine Monday morning account meeting when I realized, with absolute mortification, that I'd forgotten to apply any mascara that morning. Clearly, makeup was not about fun for me; it was about presenting a very particular face to the world; I am responsible, sensible, clever, and trustworthy.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
As illness takes possession of physical appearance, it is often difficult to present oneself to those friends and family members who haven't been through ones external transformation along the way. When the family was planning to transport Barry and Martha to a family gathering, I thought maybe I could help Martha feel good about going - feel a little more like her 'old' self - and I asked her if she'd like me to do her nails. I was totally unprepared for the delight in her response. Not being much of a nail person myself, I only had three colours in my personal collection. But, for Martha, there was little girl excitement around selecting the colour.. was she up for red, or should she settle on something a little more subtle, like the soft pink.

Little did I know, wearing nail polish had never been her habit. Martha would attend the family gathering with fancy nails to celebrate her attendance and mindfully contribute to her personal transformation.


Thursday 7 May 2015

mail

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
When being 'out and about' becomes less enjoyable, and progressively less possible, it's the familiar tasks that lighten the day. Mail arriving late in the afternoon, even a meaningless plea of support from a local MLA, is a welcome distraction and provides an opportunity to interface with the world at large

However, the note on this day was not a meaningless plea. No. This was the arrival of a prestigious letter of gratitude from our Canadian government to Harry, recognizing his dedicated and heroic service as an Airman in the second world war. The pride in the room was palpable, emanating from each of us. What a remarkable man, and how glad we all were to witness yet another acknowledgement of his contribution to our world.


Wednesday 6 May 2015

doing

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel
Necessary daily routines emerge, and individuals assume their most logical roles and responsibilities;  I'll take care of this, you take care of that.

Each chore provides a focus, something to do, a way to keep the business of living alive.

Tuesday 5 May 2015

death makes life possible

I was having tea with a few friends over the weekend and the subject of my blog came up. I was taken aback at their response to my invitation to visit the blog, Facebook page or Indiegogo campaign. The majority of my friends hadn't visited this blog due to their overwhelming fear of death and the anticipation that reading about death would make them cry. I was astounded!

I understand the desire to surround oneself with light and joy, but purposefully avoiding aspects of life in order to not feel, not cry.. I do not understand. If we are to experience the absolute potential of living this life, we must keep our inner emotional door open. There is only one door, and closing it from any negative emotions will also close the door to positive emotions. The fear of death, not only ones' own, will impact how one lives life.

A dear friend of mine sent me a link to a website this morning. - http://deathmakeslifepossible.com/blog/

I was so excited to know this is out there! Deepak Chopra speaks about the community and film connected to this movement. This is a small excerpt from his introduction..

"The key to the conquest of death is to discover your true self. Your true self is not in form. Your true self is formless. Your true self is inconceivable. When we connect with our true self, which is in the field of infinite possibilities, infinite creativity, infinite synchronistic correlation, where the power of intention resides, then we are liberated from the fear of the unknown because the so-called unknown has become known to us."

How exciting!

Saturday 2 May 2015

being near

My mother never waisted energy arguing with me to have an afternoon nap. She presented it as a beautiful opportunity to have some delicious alone time with her. We would snuggle up, forehead to forehead, breathing in each others warm breath. Of course I would always wakeup alone, hearing the sound of kitchen activity.

During the last days of mom's life, I yearned to soak up every opportunity to be near her - touch her face, feel her hair, and savour the essence of her Self.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

Watching Martha and her daughter sharing a pillow and a gentle moment together brought me back to my own precious memories of laying with my mom.