many steps

The very moment after my mom passed away, my sister, Vicki and I had two starkly different reactions. While Vicki was busy gathering up mom's things and organizing for our drive home, I was transfixed by my love for mom's body. Understandably, Vicki based her relationship with her mother on mom's spirit, the very essence of who she was, I, on the other hand, was also attached to mom's physical self.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

When we both experienced her beautiful soul leave her still body, Vicki was ready to go. Unfortunately, this caused some distress for me. I wanted to stay and take care of the body for which I felt such a connection and appreciation.

It would have been immensely helpful if we'd had a conversation before that moment regarding our feelings, so we could understand and compensate for each of our needs. As it was, I touched her hair, caressed her foot, and followed with confused obedience, while Vicki attempted to patiently contend with my unexplained lagging.

When I launched this project, Vicki and I discussed that moment. Although it would have been more pleasant at the time to be there for each other - on the same page, the contrast in our experience taught me a valuable lesson. I can now lean into the fact that we are not our bodies; as my mother left her body, so did the importance of that body. The larger aspect of why I felt the need to honour her body was because I was still attached to her being in it.