self

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Do you remember the first time you were asked that question? The first time my daughter was asked that question by her elementary school teacher she said, "I want to do what my mom does." Her teacher asked, "And what does your mom do?"... "I don't know, but she loves it." She replied.

At that period in my life, I identified first as the mother of a beautiful young girl, and second as Director of Operations for a mid sized, International Advertising Agency based out of Vancouver. When my daughter was only 13, I was forced to leave my job, the job I absolutely loved, due to illness. We had to move into my brothers home for a few weeks as I was unable to take care of myself, let alone my child.

In a matter of weeks I completely lost my identity. I was no longer the attentive mom - no longer the successful professional.  Unable to comprehend how I was going to continue living with this empty Self, I sunk into a blinding, profound depression.

Illustrations © Barbara J Holzapfel

"A fundamental form of that suffering is the loss of self in chronically ill persons who observe their former self-images crumbling away without the simultaneous development of equally valued new ones. As a result of their illnesses, these individuals suffer from (1) leading restricted lives, (2) experiencing social isolation, (3) being discredited and (4) burdening others." 
(Kathy Charmaz, DOI: 10.1111/1467-9566.ep10491512, Article first published online: 28 June, 2008)

If who I am is defined by what I do, and I am suddenly or expectedly unable to do anything, who am I?